NOTHING

Nothing must change. Nothing must remain as it is. Nothing is what it was.
'Nothing' says- "Im fucking tired of listening to you. I quit."

A can of dead fish, an ancient Scottish tribe, a flickering light in Southern Europe, a demigod i've never met is all i am left with. Not too sure about the light though. It might go out any time. Not too sure about the others either. They might just pull a 'nothing' .

If only i could get a nose job done, i'd like to think things would be better. But a new nose wouldnt go with the rest of my face. A face lift wouldnt go with the rest of my body. A complete makeover wouldnt go with the soul. And i still havent heard of any place where they do 'souls'.

So I turn back to the nothingness. Only it quit. Leaving this void behind. And what is the value of a space left by what used to be nothing? Will take maths to solve this one.
Like if nothing=X, and we assume an imaginary figure i to be the initial value of the space :
Dont have the brains to proceed though it seems like it would lead somewhere.
Unfortunately, dont know any place where they do 'brains' either.

Too many self-reflective posts in too few days. That cant be good for anyone. Time to go back to the all objective impersonal self again.

Yesterday (that is 29th) was my grandparents 61st marriage anniversary. 61!!! I dont even want to live that long! I cant imagine what it would be like, to live with somebody for that long, day after day, year after year. Granted that they probably got married really early, and all that. But you should see them even today. Every evening after all the soaps have been watched, and eyedrops have been given, and medicines have been taken...they lie down next to each other on the bed and talk and talk and talk. About everything under the sun. Politics, serials, grocery-list, relatives, me, neighbourhood people. Didun cant hear too well and she also keeps forgettin what she said 5 minutes back, but she can remember every birthday and wedding date of every single person that she has known. Dadun used to be this hot blooded young man, and he can still manage to get pretty angry sometimes, but for her, he repeats the same trivial fact over and over again. He is the only one in the family who deals kindly with her forgetfulness, it seems like Alzheimers but we are more or less comforting ourselves with the old-age theory. If that is like not the most dedicated kind of commitment, i dont know what is. Some people would hate it...being helpless, dependant, basically feeling unwanted, unloved...but something tells me these two 'oldies' are enjoying a second round of their twenties, without the least bit of care about all of those above mentioned things. They're happy, carefree, raring to live...
As long as they have each other.

I feel so so so mad right now...
Somethings bugging me. Somethings chewing away at my brains at regular intervals of time. Somethings going to drive me over the edge.
And it isnt a big something really. But but but...

I wish i had something to distract myself with.
I hate speaking Hindi. I wont anymore.
I hate exams.
I hate having to pretend everythings ok when its obviously not.
I hate having to be dependant on certain things.
I wish i could be uncivilized and not care.
I want to start over again.
I'm having to eat some of my own words even though no one knows it yet. And its not pleasant.
Damn it...nothings ever ever perfect. Not even the little things that you dont even expect would be perfect.

Theres simply too much anger in me right now. And a little bit of hurt. And a little bit of denial. And a little bit of realization... this is how it has always been and always will be.
Geography can only change this much.

I feel cynical, skeptical and all other things that i have countlessly told other people not to feel. Irony hits you real hard doesnt it?

Its like all your life u believe in something, or someone or some instituition- and then one fine day, totally out of the blue, it comes crashing down all around you like a pack of cards. And then you feel stupid, because, why on earth had you been living in a card castle in the first place? You should have known that it would come crashing down. Its common sense. And thats just why. Nobody likes common things. They are, well...common.

Like say, you totally have this idea about a friend. Or why friend, say you totally have this idea about yourself...you have yourself all figured out, you know exactly what to think, and you are confident as to how other people see you. And then?? BAM!! Something happens? Ofcourse something happens...what is the point of this post otherwise? So you have this innocuous phone conversation, or you read an old text message, or maybe you just wake up and see things totally differently! And thats when those kings, and queens and knaves are grinning from ear to ear. See? We told u so? What are you blaming us for? We are just a pack of cards!
And indeed...who do u blame but yourself? blame the phone call, the letter, the alarm clock? No it is simply too tiresome to even begin the blaming bit. So u cry a little over the spilt cards, you sniffle and declare war against the entire race of cards, until you are bleary-eyed, breathless and exhausted.

Finally you get up, dust yourself, and make a solemn promise (yet again!) never to trust those cards ever.
Having done that...you sit in front of the computer and with immense concentration, come up with a ridiculous story about a metaphorical pack of cards and their fall!