A Public Matter

Not a victim of the darkness. Not accosted in isolation. Not the quarry of a pre meditated intention. Violated in broad daylight—before staring, unfeeling, unknowing eyes. He has not yet touched my body but has succeeded in destroying my soul, my dignity, my carefully nurtured self-confidence. I have been raped, fully clothed. I have witnesses, where no one will speak. My tormentor turns around to wink and leer some more. I open my mouth to speak, to scream, to protest. Instead…I just get off the bus.
Hoping at first that it is just a stray incident.
Hoping next, that I would never see him tomorrow.
Finally, just praying, that they wouldn’t go any further than that.

What is it that causes women day in and day out to feel uneasy with their own being? What makes them check and double-check the clothes they wear every morning? Every moment of the day, what makes them so conscious of the fact that they are women?

They have gone to the moon. They have reached for the stars and touched them. They have flown aeroplanes and romanced the skies. Somehow its on solid ground that they cannot quite assert their position. They are reminded repeatedly of their femininity, and its associated or simply assumed subservience.

I like the look of what’s underneath those clothes. I am bored and have nothing to do. I am appalled by your insolence. I don’t like you looking around with such confidence. I will ogle at you because you have the audacity to stand tall like I do. I do not like you staring back at me. Yes I will touch you, whenever and wherever I want.
You deserve it because I can see your calves in that skirt. You deserve it because your arms are exposed. You deserve it because it is my domain. You deserve it because you think you are better than me.
You deserve it. You are a woman.

‘Boys will be boys’? Is that the answer to every question raised and then crushed or blown away? No of course you didn’t mean any harm. It was just a one-time thing. Besides it’s being pointlessly blown out of proportion. Why make a hue and cry over such a small incident?
Patriarchy. The necessity to control, to dominate. To diminish. The reason why an average male considers himself a born ruler. At least over the women. The weaker sex. The reason why it becomes important for them to stop the women from moving forward. From leaving them behind. The dogma instilled in every masculine heart—women are born to serve. The insecurity. Of losing the control, the power.

It is never only sexual. Suppressed sexuality is only one of the excuses. There’s also the matter of showing who the actual boss is, has been and will be. Satisfying the libido is as important as satisfying the surfacing mental fears and insecurities.
If she is silent or cowering, victory is achieved. If not, lets take it to the next level.

It saddens me that they think this sort of action enhances their masculinity, asserts their dominance.
It saddens me that they think it puts them back in the race.
It saddens me for they think it can be a substitute for fairplay and hardwork.
It saddens me for they think they are using their power when they are basically displaying their insecurity before the world.

They think it makes them men.
I pity them…because it’s the last thing that they are.

PS: Sorry for the venom. But this was due for a pretty long time.

Group study Day 1 today. Not too bad...we sorted out our probable question through an infallible method--only doing the ones we like! Came up to a total of 70 odd questions. Guess we do like a lot of things.
We decided to divide n rule. Or divide n study.
We smoked up the last joint.
We deliberated whether the person yelling her head off next door was possesed.
We told ghost/spirit/pret-atma stories.
Shorty got scared-too scared to go to the loo.
Preeta scared her even further.
Both Shorty n Preeta have ghosts or like beings in their houses.
I dont. Except the person who was screaming next door. But she isnt really a ghost. Not really.
We dreamed and dreamed and dreamed. About Oxford, and NYU and Harvard. And post-modernism, and photography, and Nikon-SLRs. And decided to get into Oxford for all its worth. And then go to NYU and/or Harvard. And make a short film. And a magazine. And write a book.
We talked. about some very nice mesho (whosenameicannotremember) who said "Ami boro-lok, tumi chhoto-lok..". And Erich Segal. And Doctors. And scholarships. And back packing across Europe. And the way Preeta talks.
And ate biriyani. And some really nice coffee.
We planned a sleepover next week. My place. A study sleepover. A discussing-answers-and-explaining-Blake sleepover. A getting-through-boring-EdwardII-together sleepover. I dont think we'll get much sleeping done.
I cleaned my room and organized stuff. It looks more study-able now. But not as nice. It clouded. And looked beautiful.
Shorty finally worked up enough courage to go to the loo. The girl next door didnt yell anymore even though we waited and waited.
They left.

We did not know then that we were a generation.
Okbye.

"Majhkhane roga hoyechhile...abar ektu mota hoye gecho na?" Followed by irritating laughter. Grrrr....sighhh!
I need personalized diet. And swimming pool in the terrace. And gym-at-home with personal (and hot) instructor. And lots and lots of natural activity. Like walks. Cricket matches. Travelling. Playing luko-churi. or catch-catch. And picnics where u yell and run about. And motivation to get my ass off this stupid computer chair and step out of this room.
Sighhh....i need winter. And childhood.

(PS: the blogger in me is back with a vengenance. These exams....! They'll make me do anything, but study.)

i want to be normal. i am. but i dont want to be ordinary. i am that too.
i know i will never be able to sing like some people, write like some people, talk like some people, and dance and travel, and make friends and contacts, and make a difference.
i'll always be just me. just ordinary. just a little washed out piece in the woodwork.

Bad Moods...

...are contagious. Now everybodys caught one. And then its not much fun. Kind of like in school when you could visit the nurse's office, and doze off on the cot till someone came to pick you up coz u turned up with fever or something. It wouldnt be half as much fun if 10 other people in your class had fever the very same day and had to go home too! For one, there wouldnt be enough place on the cot and you would be taking turns to even sit on it. Which doesnt make it very different from taking turns on the window seat on the bus.
People are hogging my bad mood exclusivity. Now i cant even mope/sulk/make long faces. Its losing originality as well as novelty.
Bah! Humbug!

The more i stay in bombay, the more i hate it.
The more i think of going back to Calcutta, the more i want to escape.
I'm running out of places to go to.
Thats the sort of life i lead.

''...Why aren't you happy? You have no right to be unhappy. You have everything that you could possibly want. You are just ungrateful. You are thankless. Is this what we get for all that we have done for you?....''
Yeah I need to get away from this for a while. I'm a little tired of feeling guilty. You would have thought that after so many years it would grow on you.
But maybe it takes longer than i thought.

i had a good time today after ages. thanks shorty. you are the girl!

It doesnt matter that the world is coming to an end as long as you are secure in you own private little world. It doesnt matter that there's war in the country next door as long as it doesnt interfere with the party next day. It doesnt matter that there isnt enough food to go around as long as you got your right flavour of Oreos.
so what if people are dying everyday, so what if there have been 2 shattering earthquakes, an all-consuming tsunami, hurricanes et al within a span of 2 years? as long as it hasnt prevented you from going about your daily life pretending nothing has happened? Pretending...? Probably the wrong word to use. Why what could possibly be wrong? And what on earth could you do about it?

I'm just bitter. But this is not a moral judgement. The you is really me. Sometimes talking to yourself in second person helps...makes you sit up. Its not helping this time though. Momentary lapses into insanity is what this is. Tomorrow i shall go back to worrying about my hair and my life. And how much weight i've put on. And how hot it is. And i shall read this blog and consider deleting it. And maybe in 2 days i will.

For what does it matter really whatevers happening so far away?And what could i possibly do about it?

Connecting People

Lately I've managed to be with a lot of people who i know, but am unable to 'connect' with. I'm not sure what i mean by connect though-maybe, having a meaningful conversation, or taking a walk, or fingerpainting, or even a look or something. But not on my own...with someone. Anyone. Its like i've fallen out of touch with people that I meet or talk to everyday. And thats a pretty scary thought.
The thing is (as i've often been told) that i must have quality time everyday. Its a necessity...like food or something. There has to be atleast one incident everyday that i'll feel happy or atleast sad about. I dont know...maybe sing songs together, make a mess, get yelled at. Its just feeling a lot more lonely being me these days. Even the voices in my head have left i believe. You simply cant trust anyone these days.
How do you connect or re-connect with people? Its so important that i think i must know it. I cant even connect with my own thoughts. I meant to write somethin meaningful (there's that word again!) but it all turned out to be stupid and blahh!
I received a mail today that made me very happy and very sad.So i smiled and cried at the same time. Its very important to cry sometimes, even if its only behind closed doors, or loos, or whatever. You sort of get to connect with yourself.
I also made someone cry today. Which sort of makes me mean, but it helped to clear the air. Eventually however, i didnt get to 'connect'. Which brings us back to the top again.
Is it possible to fall out of love at the same time that you are in love? And can you really distinguish between the two?
I tried to write something today. And i couldnt. It requires too much effort. And that is one thing i'm lately very unwilling to put in. Everything.
I saw a few old photographs today. I wasnt very happy those days. But in them it looks as though i was. Maybe i just pose really well. Maybe i smile too much. Its very easy...only one muscle or something. Lately its been gettin a little too stretched.
I want to act out Lady Macbeths role. I want to say out those lines...that i sort of know the meaning of now. Wonder how it feels to be that evil? Holily evil? i had a feeling if she were real, I'd support her cause now. Whatever it might be.
I want to hug Boomba and go to sleep. But he's in Bombay...and right now thats too far away.

No Cheers...No Beers!

Oh boy, i was freakin out of my senses last evening!! It was bad/good/ummm... i dont know! Its like u dont have a clue as to whats happening around you. And its bloody demoralizing having to depend on somebody to even take a few steps properly! and that lady at the coffe shop must've thought i was going to die. Hell, i thought i was going to die!!And i slept for 13 hrs straight...except once in the middle when i woke up to throw out stuff frm my body (again)...stuff...i dint even knw i had eaten at any time.And most of you all dont know what i'm talkin about but most of you can guess...so i will shut up now.
Well we gave our seniors their farewell today (okbye!) And it was all rather good, they really enjoyed it (sniff!sniff!) I guess i would feel a little sad when we get our farewell.i mean...college is not a bad place really. Nah, its quite ok!
I'm too bored to write. Its a dry spell....believe me! And its not going!!!

Oh this and that....

I met an old friend today. And we sorted a few things out, within some very short time. And discovered that we were'nt so bad after all.And that somethings should be talked about and shared. And that somethngs are best left unsaid. And that you feel much closer to a person after you've fought. And that some bonds remain over time and distance. And that i'm talking too much and am in danger of letting too much spill.

Sometimes you wish some things would remain constant.Never change, never move, never get over, never begin, never leave,never die.

Love should be uncomplicated. After all its only hormones.Lust shouldnt be mixed up with love.Lust should be lived not endured. Nothing should be endured. Except life. Life has to be endured. And made liveable. And once its made liveable it should be left.
i'm really talking all rubbish. i should sleep.

u see...?...u dont...?

I saw 15,Park Avenue today.And i was impressed, very impressed.I thought that was brilliant story-telling.Konkona was simply fabulous.Thats the National Award in her bag this year.dont u just love the way she 'acts' so normal?No theatrics at all.Just perfect.Especially coz its a sort of role where theres a lot of chance of going overboard.The film was mainly her and Shabana.Rest of the roles were pretty sidee.Rahul Bose was a little sad.Perhaps one expected too much.He was quite...i dont know....passive somehow.I really like the doctor-Dhritiman.He was good too.
A certain scene in the film made me think-about realities and how it differs from person to person.A schizophrenic (did i get it right?) has his/her own version of reality, which we who are normal(?) call delusions.Just because we dont see it that way.But she does, and does so very clearly.Who then are we to tell her that the thing she sees so absolutely is in reality, not there at all.How can we be so sure?Just because we dont see it?What if she is the normal one and we are the ones who are deprived of the sight of whatever it is that we can see?
Its a completely different world that they live in, these people.And i also agree that its dangerous, and needs to be treated.But i think a cure itself can be tragic for such a person.Imagine being told that all that you thought to be true, that you thought to be real, is actually not.Imagine the loneliness, the helplessness. being stranded in a completely new 'cured' world where they dont know anyone, and cant even find anyone they know because they have just been told that it doesnt exist.What could be more tragic than discovering, that your entire life as you had lived it so far was actually a figment of your imagination? What then would be the purpose of being cured? Perhaps its best to let such people be as they are, unless it gets life-threatening. Recognize them as special, different and privileged people with the power to see beyond what the ordinary person can. The little while that they live, they should be allowed to live like everyone and not have their entire past and present wiped out or be proved null and void.I dont think anyone deserves something quite as traumatic as that.

Moi...

Ummm...thats a very sad and unclear picture of me that i took myself when i had nothin to do, and just happened to find a cam in the vicinity!!!
I wish i knew how to make it black-n-white.Can u do it with Microsoft Editor? Or do u need a software or sumthin?

BLUE TINTED GLASS

The world whizzed past
Outside the blue-tinted glass.
Inside, the waiters gossiped
And haggled over tips.
The clatter of empty coffee cups
And the smell of stale milk;
Of old men with long bags and false teeth;
Of poetics and politics;
Of hasty love letters
Scribbled on tissue paper.
The window was cracked and ugly
Flourescent street lights swayed.
The last man had left—
To brave the world again.
Perhaps it would rain.
Perhaps, it would not.

The empty platform echoed;
The last train just left.
A beggar, curled up on the bench
Dreamt of yesterday’s binge.
Amidst discarded polythene bags,
And cigarettes hurriedly stubbed out—
The smell of weary commuters
In yesterday’s clothes.
And noisy children hurried off to dirty toilets
By anxious impatient mothers.
Of waiting, and leaving
Of a weary silence and chaotic conversations.
The whistle could still be heard
Of journeys that would not happen.
Perhaps the tunnel would end.
Perhaps, it would not.

The room had darker corners,
And lighter moments.
The sheet was white and crumpled
From yesterday night.
It smelt of locked doors,
And of morning aftershave;
Of besmeared kohl
Beneath darker, stormier eyes.
Of high-heeled shoes
Kicked off on the floor;
Of forgotten dusty wine glasses,
And whispers in the dark.
The cigarette had died out.
The music had died down.
Perhaps she would live.
Perhaps, she would not.

happy new year, folks!

So here we are on the threshhold of yet another long tedious year! somehow alternate years have very miserable starts for me. there was 2002 which really began it all with the ICSE, and then 2004 with ISC and now Part I is getting blissfully closer and closer. somehow it seems nearer from 1st jan '06 rather than 31st Dec '05. and people say its just 24 hours. People just dont know a thing! Halp! What am i gonna do????? i have no notes, i do su-doku in honours classes, i consider myself above attending most eco classes, and i sleep in FS. Doomed future to be sure!
So i had a very ho-hum new year celebration yesterday...some family friends where I was the only kid.but there's always an upside and in this case there was some amazing wine that i had. Sparkling wine straight from the vineyards of Italy. Mmmm...! what do you call it? Peg?Nah, too crude..quarts, pints? i'll settle for measure-3 measures of wine. awesome! then something struck our boring heads and we decided to go for a drive at 12 o' clock sround the city. stupid us! the going was fine, but coming back was hell! abominable traffic at 2:30 a.m. in Juhu. it was a nightmare. Looks like everybody got a brainstorm at the same time!
You know, i was reflecting yesterday, why i keep declaring my love for Calcutta and cribbing about Bombay when i should have some minimal loyalties to this place. Attachment to any place is not too different from attachment to people. its really all about a moment. Moments with a place, moments when you are romancing a city. I remember when the 4 of us (N, P, T and me) had gone for an impromptu drive in not so stable state of mind, towards the 2nd hoogly bridge. i'm not kidding, but at that moment (though i wouldnt know if it was the drink or me, though i think it was more me!) i felt this incredible bonding with Calcutta, with its crowds, its filth, its warmth and everything. it was a moment, a feeling of extreme connectedness, a feeling of standing on your roots. i wonder why i havent felt any such moment with Bombay. maybe i havent tried hard enough. and maybe thats my loss.
But i know i belong to Calcutta, no matter where i am in the world. and i also know that i'm 'furiously proud' of that fact!

So there we were in the car yesterday, stuck in indescribable traffic, trying to pretend that we were in our beds and not in the middle of the sea of humanity, and there was Kaku with his incorridgible sense of humour and endless stock of PJs (which i still laugh at!). you know, the old 'how do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? jokes! and all of us were laughing at it even though we had heard it for like the millionth time. Dad thinks it was the wine. i think it was the company. And the attitude for once to take things easy. Not to be critical. Not listen to jokes to point out its flaws. Or to keep a straight face to prove how uttterly non-funny it was! No, for once we were all being us. without covers. without the unlinching desire to be above everyone else by trampling on all others! it was strange. though it shouldnt have been.
so thats that. bombay chapter 2005 is done. i dont know when i'll be coming next. im a lil sad, coz i know i have to get working in calcutta and not get to sleep in late and all that but oh well.
this is also the last of blogging in a long time as i wont have net access in Cal unless i do something about it. and knowing me....!
oh yeah, tanaji came over today, he found my place on his own! hope he didnt get bored!!!
so anyway, happy new year folks! see u sometime next year in blogland! otherwise college
is there for the ultimate bonding! okbye!