Thursday, January 19, 2006

Connecting People

Lately I've managed to be with a lot of people who i know, but am unable to 'connect' with. I'm not sure what i mean by connect though-maybe, having a meaningful conversation, or taking a walk, or fingerpainting, or even a look or something. But not on my own...with someone. Anyone. Its like i've fallen out of touch with people that I meet or talk to everyday. And thats a pretty scary thought.
The thing is (as i've often been told) that i must have quality time everyday. Its a food or something. There has to be atleast one incident everyday that i'll feel happy or atleast sad about. I dont know...maybe sing songs together, make a mess, get yelled at. Its just feeling a lot more lonely being me these days. Even the voices in my head have left i believe. You simply cant trust anyone these days.
How do you connect or re-connect with people? Its so important that i think i must know it. I cant even connect with my own thoughts. I meant to write somethin meaningful (there's that word again!) but it all turned out to be stupid and blahh!
I received a mail today that made me very happy and very sad.So i smiled and cried at the same time. Its very important to cry sometimes, even if its only behind closed doors, or loos, or whatever. You sort of get to connect with yourself.
I also made someone cry today. Which sort of makes me mean, but it helped to clear the air. Eventually however, i didnt get to 'connect'. Which brings us back to the top again.
Is it possible to fall out of love at the same time that you are in love? And can you really distinguish between the two?
I tried to write something today. And i couldnt. It requires too much effort. And that is one thing i'm lately very unwilling to put in. Everything.
I saw a few old photographs today. I wasnt very happy those days. But in them it looks as though i was. Maybe i just pose really well. Maybe i smile too much. Its very easy...only one muscle or something. Lately its been gettin a little too stretched.
I want to act out Lady Macbeths role. I want to say out those lines...that i sort of know the meaning of now. Wonder how it feels to be that evil? Holily evil? i had a feeling if she were real, I'd support her cause now. Whatever it might be.
I want to hug Boomba and go to sleep. But he's in Bombay...and right now thats too far away.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

No Cheers...No Beers!

Oh boy, i was freakin out of my senses last evening!! It was bad/good/ummm... i dont know! Its like u dont have a clue as to whats happening around you. And its bloody demoralizing having to depend on somebody to even take a few steps properly! and that lady at the coffe shop must've thought i was going to die. Hell, i thought i was going to die!!And i slept for 13 hrs straight...except once in the middle when i woke up to throw out stuff frm my body (again)...stuff...i dint even knw i had eaten at any time.And most of you all dont know what i'm talkin about but most of you can i will shut up now.
Well we gave our seniors their farewell today (okbye!) And it was all rather good, they really enjoyed it (sniff!sniff!) I guess i would feel a little sad when we get our farewell.i is not a bad place really. Nah, its quite ok!
I'm too bored to write. Its a dry spell....believe me! And its not going!!!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Oh this and that....

I met an old friend today. And we sorted a few things out, within some very short time. And discovered that we were'nt so bad after all.And that somethings should be talked about and shared. And that somethngs are best left unsaid. And that you feel much closer to a person after you've fought. And that some bonds remain over time and distance. And that i'm talking too much and am in danger of letting too much spill.

Sometimes you wish some things would remain constant.Never change, never move, never get over, never begin, never leave,never die.

Love should be uncomplicated. After all its only hormones.Lust shouldnt be mixed up with love.Lust should be lived not endured. Nothing should be endured. Except life. Life has to be endured. And made liveable. And once its made liveable it should be left.
i'm really talking all rubbish. i should sleep.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

u see...?...u dont...?

I saw 15,Park Avenue today.And i was impressed, very impressed.I thought that was brilliant story-telling.Konkona was simply fabulous.Thats the National Award in her bag this year.dont u just love the way she 'acts' so normal?No theatrics at all.Just perfect.Especially coz its a sort of role where theres a lot of chance of going overboard.The film was mainly her and Shabana.Rest of the roles were pretty sidee.Rahul Bose was a little sad.Perhaps one expected too much.He was quite...i dont know....passive somehow.I really like the doctor-Dhritiman.He was good too.
A certain scene in the film made me think-about realities and how it differs from person to person.A schizophrenic (did i get it right?) has his/her own version of reality, which we who are normal(?) call delusions.Just because we dont see it that way.But she does, and does so very clearly.Who then are we to tell her that the thing she sees so absolutely is in reality, not there at all.How can we be so sure?Just because we dont see it?What if she is the normal one and we are the ones who are deprived of the sight of whatever it is that we can see?
Its a completely different world that they live in, these people.And i also agree that its dangerous, and needs to be treated.But i think a cure itself can be tragic for such a person.Imagine being told that all that you thought to be true, that you thought to be real, is actually not.Imagine the loneliness, the helplessness. being stranded in a completely new 'cured' world where they dont know anyone, and cant even find anyone they know because they have just been told that it doesnt exist.What could be more tragic than discovering, that your entire life as you had lived it so far was actually a figment of your imagination? What then would be the purpose of being cured? Perhaps its best to let such people be as they are, unless it gets life-threatening. Recognize them as special, different and privileged people with the power to see beyond what the ordinary person can. The little while that they live, they should be allowed to live like everyone and not have their entire past and present wiped out or be proved null and void.I dont think anyone deserves something quite as traumatic as that.


Ummm...thats a very sad and unclear picture of me that i took myself when i had nothin to do, and just happened to find a cam in the vicinity!!!
I wish i knew how to make it black-n-white.Can u do it with Microsoft Editor? Or do u need a software or sumthin?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


The world whizzed past
Outside the blue-tinted glass.
Inside, the waiters gossiped
And haggled over tips.
The clatter of empty coffee cups
And the smell of stale milk;
Of old men with long bags and false teeth;
Of poetics and politics;
Of hasty love letters
Scribbled on tissue paper.
The window was cracked and ugly
Flourescent street lights swayed.
The last man had left—
To brave the world again.
Perhaps it would rain.
Perhaps, it would not.

The empty platform echoed;
The last train just left.
A beggar, curled up on the bench
Dreamt of yesterday’s binge.
Amidst discarded polythene bags,
And cigarettes hurriedly stubbed out—
The smell of weary commuters
In yesterday’s clothes.
And noisy children hurried off to dirty toilets
By anxious impatient mothers.
Of waiting, and leaving
Of a weary silence and chaotic conversations.
The whistle could still be heard
Of journeys that would not happen.
Perhaps the tunnel would end.
Perhaps, it would not.

The room had darker corners,
And lighter moments.
The sheet was white and crumpled
From yesterday night.
It smelt of locked doors,
And of morning aftershave;
Of besmeared kohl
Beneath darker, stormier eyes.
Of high-heeled shoes
Kicked off on the floor;
Of forgotten dusty wine glasses,
And whispers in the dark.
The cigarette had died out.
The music had died down.
Perhaps she would live.
Perhaps, she would not.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

happy new year, folks!

So here we are on the threshhold of yet another long tedious year! somehow alternate years have very miserable starts for me. there was 2002 which really began it all with the ICSE, and then 2004 with ISC and now Part I is getting blissfully closer and closer. somehow it seems nearer from 1st jan '06 rather than 31st Dec '05. and people say its just 24 hours. People just dont know a thing! Halp! What am i gonna do????? i have no notes, i do su-doku in honours classes, i consider myself above attending most eco classes, and i sleep in FS. Doomed future to be sure!
So i had a very ho-hum new year celebration yesterday...some family friends where I was the only kid.but there's always an upside and in this case there was some amazing wine that i had. Sparkling wine straight from the vineyards of Italy. Mmmm...! what do you call it? Peg?Nah, too crude..quarts, pints? i'll settle for measure-3 measures of wine. awesome! then something struck our boring heads and we decided to go for a drive at 12 o' clock sround the city. stupid us! the going was fine, but coming back was hell! abominable traffic at 2:30 a.m. in Juhu. it was a nightmare. Looks like everybody got a brainstorm at the same time!
You know, i was reflecting yesterday, why i keep declaring my love for Calcutta and cribbing about Bombay when i should have some minimal loyalties to this place. Attachment to any place is not too different from attachment to people. its really all about a moment. Moments with a place, moments when you are romancing a city. I remember when the 4 of us (N, P, T and me) had gone for an impromptu drive in not so stable state of mind, towards the 2nd hoogly bridge. i'm not kidding, but at that moment (though i wouldnt know if it was the drink or me, though i think it was more me!) i felt this incredible bonding with Calcutta, with its crowds, its filth, its warmth and everything. it was a moment, a feeling of extreme connectedness, a feeling of standing on your roots. i wonder why i havent felt any such moment with Bombay. maybe i havent tried hard enough. and maybe thats my loss.
But i know i belong to Calcutta, no matter where i am in the world. and i also know that i'm 'furiously proud' of that fact!

So there we were in the car yesterday, stuck in indescribable traffic, trying to pretend that we were in our beds and not in the middle of the sea of humanity, and there was Kaku with his incorridgible sense of humour and endless stock of PJs (which i still laugh at!). you know, the old 'how do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? jokes! and all of us were laughing at it even though we had heard it for like the millionth time. Dad thinks it was the wine. i think it was the company. And the attitude for once to take things easy. Not to be critical. Not listen to jokes to point out its flaws. Or to keep a straight face to prove how uttterly non-funny it was! No, for once we were all being us. without covers. without the unlinching desire to be above everyone else by trampling on all others! it was strange. though it shouldnt have been.
so thats that. bombay chapter 2005 is done. i dont know when i'll be coming next. im a lil sad, coz i know i have to get working in calcutta and not get to sleep in late and all that but oh well.
this is also the last of blogging in a long time as i wont have net access in Cal unless i do something about it. and knowing me....!
oh yeah, tanaji came over today, he found my place on his own! hope he didnt get bored!!!
so anyway, happy new year folks! see u sometime next year in blogland! otherwise college
is there for the ultimate bonding! okbye!